A Year Later...

In 5 days (from the time of writing this, who knows when I'll actually publish the damn thing), I will have been unemployed for a year. Of course, some people call it full-time freelancing, others call it underemployment. I, however, call it "that's nice, I don't have health insurance and my PTSD is now triggered 100% of the time because I never know how I'm going to pay rent."

I've had significant wins. I moderated the Main Stage at NYCC for one of my very favorite teams; copy edited (and managed a team for) the FANGORIA Compendium; flew to New York to cover a once-in-a-lifetime Vampire Lestat concert; and moderated the Indigo Ballroom at this year's SDCC. I picked up really exciting bylines at places like TheWrap and Backstage, and finally made my way over to The A.V. Club after years of reading and being friends with much of the team. I grew my social presence by over 3K followers, which is a dumb as hell thing to care about except when it's directly relevant to one's ability to pull a job, (remember when talent mattered? Ha. Hahahahah. Haha. 🥲) and still haven't returned to that trash Nazi site.

Meanwhile, I'll be covering D23 for the first time on my birthday weekend, head back to Fantastic Fest in September, am in the process of making NYCC happen again, have another top secret project booked and just sent off one of the most important pitches of my career. I worked 11 months on that last one. One way or another, you'll know what's up with that soon.

Now that the folks not-so-privately celebrating my perceived downfall over the last year (flattered as always, babes) have gotten annoyed and clicked away, I've also had significant losses. You see me the places that you do because I am hustling in every direction. I send at least 5 cold pitches a week, and even more to editors I have an established relationship with. I get told "no" constantly, as is the not-job, job. I thought a year of moderating independently (and an insane number of cold pitches) would matter towards booking a more significant presence at SDCC; it didn't. I'd hoped writing here would result in more significant revenue; it barely pays for itself. I was certain any of my 200+ applications would result in a job, or at least more interviews; they didn't. Oh yeah, and there was that pesky assault incident. (No, it's still not resolved.)

I have no backup, no relatives to lean on for support, and no savings. The savings died about halfway through the year, followed shortly by the emptying of my (already meager) 401K. I've been able to hang in this long for two reasons: I'm really good at freelancing and I'm even better at being poor. But even with those strengths, I still only pulled in $3K across all of Q1.

I've failed as a friend a lot. When I'm struggling emotionally I pull as far away as I can. (Yes, I see the problem. Yes, it came up in therapy when I could afford a therapist. We'll get back to that when I can return to one.) My friends know my bullshit and do their best not to let that withdraw happen, but as a result I'm not always super fun to be around. I'm a firm believer in community, but I really struggle with it when I'm the one taking from it rather than giving. Especially for 365 days straight. (Yes, this has come up in therapy too. Get off my ass, I'm tired.)

Why am I telling you all of this? Because social media isn't real, and the wins you see me celebrating (of which I am wildly thankful to have a fair few) aren't the whole story. Someone told me they were so impressed by everything I've been able to do last week and while I'm thankful for the kind words, I think it's important context that they come at a cost. Emotionally? Haven't been OK for some time. Learning who your real friends are is good in the long run, but boy does it suck when it happens in tandem with losing your livelihood and fighting to stay afloat. Financially? Well, let's just say that, in addition to barely being able to pay my bills now, I will be absolutely decimated come tax time next year.

Yet, I will continue to tilt when I should withdraw. Whether it's free or paid, thank you for subscribing (and if you're seeing this after I share it to social tomorrow, won't you consider joining in?).

As we hit a year of this bullshit together, I am both incredibly proud and profoundly sad. I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I continue to know that giving up isn't an option. I want you to know that you're probably doing better than you think, too.

'Til the next one.