MOANA (2026) Review
What can I say except WHERE ARE HIS NIPPLES?!
One of the perks of having your own very tiny website is knowing that it'll never compete with the big guys against embargo. That sounds like a net negative, but really all it means as far as you, my lovely coven, are concerned is that I have the liberty of sitting with my thoughts for a minute when the turnaround is super tight. That super tight turnaround was, as expected, the case for Moana, Disney's latest entry into its "What If We Made Something Great Worse" pantheon.
Before we get started, I want to be clear: Catherine Laga'aia is completely innocent as the young wayfinder. She's spunky, she's funny, she's got the pipes and she squares her shoulders against Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's Maui with ease.
What isn't innocent is Thomas Kail's direction. His theatrical experience, particularly when it comes to musicals, should have been valuable here. Instead it offers a lackluster visual platform for Lin Manuel Miranda, Mark Mancina, and Opetaia Foa'i's music. More immediately distracting is whatever the hell he was telling The Rock to do, though.
The thing about Maui is that he is the perfect character for the wrestler-turned-actor. Maui's trajectory with humans almost exactly matches that of The Rock's fall from grace after several bad films, and the character's relationship with Moana holds a mirror to what the former wrestler has done for up-and-coming women in the industry in the past as well. If they'd have let him perform "You're Welcome" with his typical heel presence, it would have been great — the song was literally written by Miranda after watching The Rock's old wrestling promos, it is made for him, his tone, and his live-action behaviorisms — but instead someone told the larger-than-life performer to play it straight. The result is as embarrassing as you'd expect before you even get to the wig.
Or his COMPLETE LACK OF NIPPLES?!
Amelia Emberwing
(Sorry for the lives I've ruined by pointing this out. Take it up with the Mouse!)
Worse still is that, despite being nearly a beat-for-beat remake of the much better looking animated film, every single thing that they added wreaks of a complete lack of faith in its young audience. No one needed the themes of Moana explained to them a decade ago, and no one needs it today. This whole idea that everything you're going to create is going to be second-screen viewing and thus needs to be explained to death is exhausting.
Moana (2026) looks as bad as people have gone on about already, but I do want to mention that it still looks better than a lot of the other senseless live-action remakes (bar, hell, etc. etc.). The music is still great! (Because it's the same music from before! In the movie that already exists in its exceptional animated form!) Hei Hei and Pua both look really solid, and I regret to admit that the damn chicken did make me laugh a lot.
I'll also grant that it was very cool to see parts of Polynesian culture showcased and celebrated on screen, but it wasn't enough of the film to make this otherwise pointless remake necessary or valuable to the audience.
Of course, I'm sure it's going to go off and make another billion dollars at the box office and they'll churn out yet another live-action adaptation to another beloved animated gem. I understand how cynical that sounds, but know that I say it as someone who thinks that several of these flicks were actually OK (though, David Lowery's Pete's Dragon remains the best of the bunch, and that, too, was a decade ago). At the very least, I hope this leads to a cool career for Laga'aia, and look forward to all of the thirsting to come over the first Wayfinder Chief who led the voyagers to Motunui whose name I cannot find anywhere. (I'll update once the full credits are live.)
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